there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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