I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
