Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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