you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
