You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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