I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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