my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
two words: eviction party
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
