a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize