Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
