8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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