cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
