I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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