I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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