Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
