Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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