Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
