A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize