You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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