When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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