im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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