What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize