Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
