so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
