whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
