hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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