My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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