theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
