I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize