I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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