Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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