Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
