So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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