And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just forgot I was standing up.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
