i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
