I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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