Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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