I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
As shirtless as possible
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
