I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
