My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Drake has all the answers
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
