In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
