This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
