I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
