Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
