Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
