when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
