I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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