just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
