I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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