The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
