things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize