see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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