She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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