God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
