I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
