nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
