I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
