When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
